Birth Story

Recently, my assistant took maternity leave. For the past 8 months, I have been able to relive my own birth experience, talking about it, giving her advise [she was open to it] and discussing my kooky theories about birth, labor, vaccinations, parenting, etc. It wasn't until right before she took leave, that I reread my birth story. Has this month's theme been reliving memories or what? It was always my intention to post this, so here it is, from almost 13 year ago.

Birth Story

I believe that part of being a conscious, responsible adult, is knowing your options, all of them. Thinking, researching, and then deciding what is right, and best for yourself, your family, community, and the world. When it came time to have a child, I chose a water birth, at home, via midwife. Whenever I mention my birth to other mothers, I am always disappointed when I hear them say, “Oh I thought of doing that-dot-dot-dot” I am disappointed that they did not take the time to research it . They possibly missed a great experience for both mother and baby. I just hope they did not give their power away in their birth.

Birth is an incredibly powerful event, and an incredibly empowering event. In Sheila Kitzinger book: Your baby, Your Way, she talks about all the different ways you can have prenatal care, your birth, and postnatal care. No matter which way you chose to have your baby, she stresses having a birth plan. Write down everything you want to have happen, especially in the event of emergency situations, where decisions have to be made. Having already made a decision, even if hypothetically, you are better prepared to deal with it, should one arise. The mind set of labor is not conducive to making those types of decisions, thus the importance of not only this birth plan, but making sure your birth partner knows it inside and out, so that they can speak up for you. That way you can stay focused on labor. This is the way to birth, with the power lying with the mother and not with the doctors.

The idea that the doctor is just a facilitator, and that the mother is the one making decisions, giving birth, and laboring, is extremely empowering for women. Yet unfortunately, it is a concept frequently ignored by doctors and mothers, men and women. As women, we need to be informed, and stop giving our power away. It is one of the ways to foster our womanly instinct, our mothers’ intuition. To truly know ourselves and what we are capable of.

While I was pregnant, I made it a point to listen only to positive birth stories. As some of you know, when you are pregnant, every other woman on earth wants to tell you how it is. Usually these are women who thrive on drama… can you imagine their births? Every medical complication, they had. It was like listening to grandpa’s old war stories. My advice: DO NOT LISTEN. Listen to only positive birth stories. You are already super sensitive as it is. The reason I write my story is because I hope to inspire and educate those who may be thinking of having a water birth, at home.

The conception, pregnancy, and birth all took place in Hawaii, on the island of Maui. Which, by the way has only one hospital, 50 minutes away from where I lived.

When I decided to have a baby, I sat on the sand, looked out at the ocean and said to myself, “Okay body…Let’s do it, let’s have a baby, let us nourish it the best we can.” I asked my body for full cooperation. I had a feeling I would get to know my body and the beauty, the power, and the ease with which it would do naturally, what it is genetically designed for.

In preparation, I took a close look at my diet. I felt I ate pretty well, but I did have the occasional sugar overdose, and the occasional alcoholic drink. Those would both have to go. After researching herbs, I felt they would be invaluable to me throughout the pregnancy. Especially good is red raspberry leaf tea/infusion. I was making quarts of this with peppermint [for flavor] and drinking it everyday. It is a diverse herb great for all stages of having a child, from preconception, to labor, to postpartum.

I found out what extra nutrients I would need, such as vitamin E, Protein, Vitamin A, calcium, etc. I wrote down where these sources could be found in abundance, and posted them in my kitchen cupboards. I drank a smoothie everyday that included flax seeds, wheat germ, yogurt, lethecin, protein powder, fruit, and soymilk. These were super smoothies. I also made it a point to eat at least one apple a day.

During the pregnancy I had cravings for large quantities of vegetables and tofu, anything but meat. For some reason, fish, chicken, beef became repulsive to me. 2 months before the birth, a curious thing happened and I started craving steak and chicken, and eggs (which up until that point I never ate). My massage therapist at that time explained it thusly: she felt that a vegetarian diet is mainly composed of food containing YIN energy. Being feminine and passive, whereas meat and eggs were mainly YANG energy, being masculine and aggressive. Being that labor is a YANG event my body was preparing itself energetically. At that time it made sense to me. I loved being able to eat such huge quantities of food. I loved being hungry and knowing that food would soon be in my mouth. I loved that feeling after having eaten. I loved it all! In a way food became my friend, and in postpartum I made my peace with food.

Ladies, I highly recommend getting a massage monthly, and every two weeks in the last trimester. After the baby is born, go back to get one monthly. You deserve it! Find someone who has experience with pregnant women. Be sure to get your husbands to massage your feet at night. I recommend using a peppermint foot lotion, one that has arnica in it. Arnica is a homeopathic remedy for sore muscles. You will sleep much easier and awaken refreshed.

Massages are great and helped me tremendously, but if I had to choose between massage and chiropractic adjustments, I would choose the latter. I was happy to hear my chiropractor had a special table that opened up in the middle so that as my belly grew, I could lie front-side down and let my belly hang. Plus he had experience with pregnant women. In fact, he knew my midwife. She sent clients to him (he works on pregnant women for free as his personal policy) he would work on them monthly for the first two trimesters and then in the last trimester, every two weeks to every week. What they found was that for the first-time mothers, their labors were generally 4~6 hours, as opposed to 10+. When you think about it, chiropractic adjustments make sense. As you gain weight, your body and back are subject to carrying more weight, things are bound to get out of whack.

I exercised by walking and stretching and my favorite… swimming. I would go down to the beach with a big belly and a bikini and dive right in! Come out , dry off, get hot, and jump back in again! I did not like the idea of holding my breath for long so I used a mask and snorkel and discovered snorkeling! I loved the weightlessness. It was wonderful. Swaying in the warm ocean, and feeling so tranquil, my mind would often drift. I would remind myself that these moments of peace would not come as easily after the baby was born.

So here I was, eating well, exercising well, getting massages and adjustments…how did I mentally prepare for the labor?? All over my house I put up affirmations about labor; such as:
I now birth easily, efficiently and joyfully.
I surrender… [I used that during birth. It helped to put me in the mindset of opening to the experience of it all]
I trust my ability to give birth with strength and power
My baby's head fits perfectly through my pelvis
I have energy and stamina to birth this baby
I trust my body… I trust my birth… I trust my baby
I have a strong and healthy baby
I cut out a 10 cm circle of a sunset from a magazine, glued it to a piece a paper and wrote affirmations on it so that I could look at that and know that is how big I had to dilate.

Mentally I felt there were a few things I had to look at. I knew I had some issues with both my mothers (biological and step). I wanted to get really clear and at peace with them. I felt it would be imperative to my way of mothering. In order to consciously mother, I could not come from a place that still had anger or resentment for my mothers. I could no longer emotionally be the teenager, I had to ‘let go’ and be the adult, about to have her own child. It brought me closer to my mothers, because now when I spoke with them, all the ‘stuff’ was gone. I put it behind me.

The biggest issue for me now was fear. Fear that ‘something’ would go wrong with the baby or birth. What if______ happened, while at home? Would my midwife be able to handle it? Questions such as these fueled my fear. I received a lot of answers from Sheila Kitzinger Book. She goes into detail with the ‘what if’ scenarios. She lists all the things that can come up during birth and then she explains how they are handled in the hospital, in a birthing center, and at home. One of the issues Kitzinger asks that you look at, is death. What if somewhere along the way the baby should die. An important issue, not because it is likely, but because if that should happen, how do wish to deal with it, without latter having regrets. For instance, if you give birth in a hospital, and your baby is still born, the nurses take it away. Would you want that? I would not. After pondering all this, I concluded that if the baby were to die, I would want to be alone with the baby, to hold it, and kiss it, and grieve with it, in my arms. I would want to say goodbye to my baby and tell my baby how much I love it and will always love it. I wanted the right to do this and for that right to be respected. You better believe this went on my birth plan.

So I was dealing with all these issues pretty well, when one night I had a dream that I go into labor two months before the due date. I go to the hospital, where I am drugged against my wishes. I birth the baby and then conk out. When I wake up I am surrounded by my family [that I am alienated from], but no baby. I get up and demand to the nurses that my baby be brought in my room immediately and that the baby would be staying with me and that I planned to leave right away. I go back to the room; my husband called and apologizes for missing the birth. They roll the baby in, and I hold it and cry and apologize to it and immediately put the baby to my breast. I try to leave and I am told I cannot.

Hmm… not to difficult to interpret is it? It is pretty straightforward. My last remaining issue was having to go to the hospital. It was something I did not want to do. Hospitals to me, represented everything that is wrong with our way of viewing health, and illness. I had a lot of energy on it. One of my beliefs is that the thing you resist most, is the thing that will occur so that you can get over your resistance. Hmm... I thought about it for a long time. I talked with other women who had positive birth experiences at hospitals, and I spoke with my midwife about it. In the event I needed to go the hospital, she would be there. That was extremely comforting because I trusted her. In the end I decided, that if something should happen, wherein I needed to go to the hospital, it would be okay with me. I would not get disappointed or angry. I knew I could ‘make’ the experience, no matter where I was. I trusted that if my midwife recommended any labor devices or procedures that that was what the baby needed. I trusted that the birth was also going to be how the baby wanted it to be. In the end, whatever happened would be okay with me. Talk about surrender.

In the 8th month my Midwife suggested perineum massage. That is the area between your vagina and anus. The massage consists of placing one clean finger into the vagina about an inch deep and pressing down towards the anus and then moving the finger left, right, all the while applying pressure. This is to help loosen and stretch those muscles in preparation for the crowning and birth of the baby. My husband helped me, which was painful, but good, because if it were left up to me, I would apply weak pressure. He used some oil, which helped a little. Before he started, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and consciously relaxed my muscles in that area. I repeated to myself, “I surrender, I surrender, I surrender” I choose that to be my mantra. It worked more effectively at getting my body and muscles to relax, than saying “I am relaxed”.

At first it hurt a lot and he did not even apply much pressure! After a week of doing this almost everyday, he noticed my muscles were beginning to relax, and stretch. Good news to me! This specific exercise is helpful in not tearing during labor, and helps to prevent an episiotomy. We proceeded to use 2 fingers. It was not painful, but it was intense. This helped me to consciously relax and breathe while this intense pressure was being applied, which I is akin to labor. I was glad I did them.

I felt tremendously beautiful when I was pregnant. Especially toward the latter months. I was awe struck at what my body could do. Everything from producing milk, to my skin stretching! I wanted to always remember how I looked, so I had a photographer-friend take nude photos of me. We were doing topless pictures every month, to record the growth, but these were to be different. They were shot in black and white, atop a cliff among pineapple fields, with the wind blowing my long hair and the ocean behind me! I had a great time. They turned out so well, he decided to use them for his holiday card. He got a lot of responses that year! They are the ones posted here.

During my pregnancy I was seeing my midwife, and I was also seeing an orthodox OBGYN. Basically because my husband’s insurance covered it and I was curious to see if there were any differences. The difference in prenatal care was vast. My appointments with my midwife would last at least an hour. She would measure me, check my blood pressure, weight, test my urine, take my red blood cell count, and if it were low, I would get an iron shot. She inquired about my diet, and what supplements I should be on. We would discuss how I was doing emotionally. She helped me to mentally prepare for birth. Her care was complete and by far, supportive.

With the OBGYN, my appointments generally lasted 15 minutes. His nurses would do the blood pressure, weight, and tell me to undress and sit on the table. He would come in and do the measuring, and internal checks, ask a few questions, and that was it! He gave me some sample iron pills. “Wow” I said, after reading the list of ingredients! So many more additives than the kind from the health food store…let’s not forget red dye #6. My iron was down and I was taking a vegetarian formula, along with a yellow dock herb in tincture form. It helped in raising my iron level a little, but not as much as my midwife wanted. We switched to a different brand, called enzyme therapy. It comes from Bovines. These worked well for me.

I also had a low platelet count. Something that usually increases in pregnant women, not decrease. It helps to clot blood. Very important in labor. This doctor wanted to rule out any other illnesses, so I had complete blood work done. I was tested for everything; from Lupus, to CFS, to diabetes. Seven little vials of blood in one day. UGH! The doctor could not figure out why my platelets were down. Neither could I. Neither could my midwife, but she recommended some herbal tinctures.

The due date came and went. A week goes by, a 2nd week goes by. That week, the doctor was heavily recommending a cesarean because of this low platelet count. He said when I go into labor I would probably be hooked up to a fetal monitor. That is where they strap you to the bed and stick a disc, the size of a quarter onto your baby’s scalp. From there they would probably take more blood from me, and the baby, and test those levels again, so they would know immediately if the baby’s blood was unaffected by my low platelet levels, and capable of clotting his own blood, should anything happen.

I listened to him, all the while thinking, “Not gonna happen”. You see he did not know I was planning a homebirth, let alone a water birth. If he knew, he would have terminated me as a patient, for insurance purposes, and malpractice fears. Having a homebirth is illegal in the state of Hawaii.

So I left a little worried, but confident that the baby would come in his own time, when it was right… and he did!
My mother came from Oahu for the birth of her first grandchild. She came around the due date and cleaned and cooked and rubbed my feet! She brought food and drink to me constantly. Saying in her Japanese accent, “Oh baby likes this, you eat lots”! She was great! She did not say things like, “Don’t do that” or “Why don’t you go to the hospital?”

One day my mother is reading, and I am watching TV. I notice some slight cramping. I think nothing of it… yet it continues, and proceeds to increase. By now, I have to lie down and breathe whenever there is a ‘cramp’. No big deal I think… sort of like a period cramp. Hmmm this couldn’t be labor, could it??? This time I keep my eye on the clock. I was cramping every 10 minutes. Nah.. this can’t be labor.. it’s not painful, it’s just cramps. I thought I would take a hot shower and if after that they are closer together, then I will call my midwife. Well after a ½ hour in a hot shower, these cramps were 5 minutes apart. Proof enough for me. It is about 2pm, and I call my midwife. She suggests I have a smoothie with some herbs, skullcap, Blue & black cohosh. She says she is on her way. Next I call my husband at work, who says _stunned, “Oh boy’ it’s happening. It’s happening now, okay, okay, okay, I’ll be coming home” He knew we were having a baby, he was expecting this call to come eventually, I guess just not today.

He calls his sister and brother-in-law, and a friend of ours who is going to videotape the birth. They arrive around 5pm. By that time I was in a trance. When my midwife arrived, she measured me. I was 3cm. I was doing well, breathing through the contractions. They were about 3 minutes apart. My husband and midwife brought the tub in, lined it, and started to fill it. I set up some candles, and pictures. I lit some incense and then my husband and I toasted to the experience.

My midwife suggested we take a walk, and so we did. During contractions I put my arms around him and would hang there, sort of squatting, with knees outward. When we for back, my midwife measured me…still 3cm! That moment that I thought, “Oh no, this is going to go on all night!” Midwife suggested an enema. We had previously discussed this. I had never had one before, but was open to the idea. She puts herbs in with the water, since the tissues in that area are thin and the effects of the herbs would go through to my uterus.

Now some of you may be thinking that an enema is ‘bad enough’, but to have one during labor?? It was not that bad. It was now 6pm. I lied on my side, on the bathroom floor, and water would flow in when I was not having a contraction. When I had to go, I had to be lifted by two people. I was glad I had the enema because I did not want to pass anything while pushing in labor, especially since I would be in the water. It took three tries before the water bag emptied. Ah we were done.! Midwife measured me again, I was now 4.5cm. 4.5!! I thought for sure by now I must be at least 5 or 6 or 7cm!! To tell the truth, I was a little disappointed. I had hoped I was further along. Midwife usually does not let her clients in the tub until they are at 5cm dilated, because in her opinion if you go in too early, the weightlessness of the water will sometimes slow down labor. But she told me I could get in!!

Yes, the moment I had been waiting for! Ah! The water felt soo good! I could relax. I tried various positions, squatting, hanging my arms over the tub, raising one leg…. I just could not get comfortable. I told Midwife thus, and she laughed at me. She said, “You are not going to be comfortable until later on tonight.” Well that jolted me from focusing on comfort to focusing on the labor, and breathing. You see, I had read so many books on labor with alternative positions, I just assumed that I would find one that would make labor ‘comfortable’. I laugh about that one now.

At Midwife’s suggestion, I would stand up in-between contractions, leaning on someone and when the contraction came, I squatted into the tub with my arms over the edge. This way gravity had a chance to work.

At 7:45pm, Midwife checked me. I was now 8cm. The news was great, but I felt like I hit a wall, and could not go on. I knew this was to be expected, but I still felt, not so much like I could not go on, but that I was certain it was going to be ‘forever’. I remember thinking all I wanted was a nap, not these 2-minute breaks between 1½ minutes of contractions. I just wanted 10 minutes. I also remember that no matter how much I wanted a nap, it was not going to happen because biology demanded my presence. Odd. I remember thinking this time tomorrow; it will all be over, because that is what happens. Everyday women all over the world go into labor and have babies and the sun will come up again tomorrow because the moon revolves around the earth and the earth revolves around the sun and I can count on that. Tomorrow it will be over and a babe will be in my arms.

All this time I did not really have a concept of time. Time was happening moment-by-moment, breath-by-breath. I was totally focused on what was happening. In between the contractions I would visualize my cervix dilating easily to 10cm and that the muscles of the uterus were massaging my baby and preparing its journey to breath. During contractions I would breath. Labor never was painful, just really, really intense. Nothing that would overwhelm and devour me, as it is made out to be in the movies. There was no fear, I knew what was happening within my body, so there was no ‘unknown’ to fear.[Ah! Education] But I was anxious. This was it. It was happening... soon I will be a mommy and soon a little one I will see.

Around 8:40pm Midwife checks me again. She asked if I wanted to touch the baby’s head. I did. Wow! Hair! My first physical contact with the thing I had been growing in my uterus. Wow... the end is in sight. I had renewed energy. My sister in law described it as if the energy spread throughout my whole body. My back straightened and I held myself prouder, she likened it to a tigress. There was power here now. Midwife said if I felt like pushing to go ahead. By now my husband was in the tub and if you can imagine he is my cushion, I am basically sitting and leaning back on him. My legs are spread apart and there’s my mother’s holding a waterproof flashlight under the water. My fingers were going numb so I had supplemental oxygen, 2 little tubes in my nose.

In between contractions I rested against my husband and during contractions I pulled myself forward, grabbing the sides of the tub and squatting.

I am pushing, and pushing, and I can feel the head crowing, then slip back, crown, then slip back. Midwife tells me I could go ahead and push the head out. I know I could push the baby out, any minute now, and a part of me said ‘slow down’ this is all happening so fast, savor it a bit more, go through a few more contractions… but instead I give a great big push and I can feel the baby’s head is out. Midwife notices that there is a hand too, so I know that with the next contraction, I have to push the baby out. With the hand there, there was not going to be any waiting for the head to rotate. Big Breath! With the next push I push the baby out. What an incredible feeling to have such warmth and mass push out of you in one direction.

There it was!! Baby!! We brought it to the surface….it is a ……BOY! All along I thought I was going to have a girl…. Luckily we had boy names picked out. Here was DJ! It was a little tricky keeping his head above the water, and his body below, in the water, as he was so light. He looked up, blinked a few times, made a few baby sounds and then closed his eyes. Midwife checked his breathing, he had stopped. She started to syringe his nose, and then stick a tube down his mouth to clear his lungs of any fluid. She told us to slap his feet, and call his name, which we did. His dad had one foot, I had the other, as I am holding him still in the water. DJ….Come back DJ…We love you DJ… come back….. She started to do CPR, and called out for someone to call 911.

Up until this point in my life, I have never been in, or near an emergency situation. No car accidents, no broken bones. I always wondered how would I react? I have seen so many TV programs in which women just start screaming hysterically, and loose all control. Would I be one of those women? I did not know, as I had never had to be such a position. Well here I was, baby not breathing, ambulance on its way. I knew there was a part of me that wanted to loose all control, so that I did not have to be in control. And there was a part of me that just wanted to cry, death, and his cohort; overwhelming fear, were looming. In literally ½ a second I asked myself, “Is the outcome of this his death?” and I knew, I just knew with all my being, the answer to be no, and so I just kept calling his name, being so completely focused on the moment. The fear of DJ dying was gone.

DJ…. Come back DJ! Midwife noticed the water turn red, which means the placenta is starting to detach from the uterine wall, which means that it is dubious whether or not the baby is getting oxygen from the umbilical cord. She decides to cut the cord. She lifts DJ out of the water, and continues to do CPR. She has him wrapped in blankets, and is giving him oxygen, and then he cries. She continues to administer to him as the paramedics arrive. When Midwife is confidant that DJ is fine, after listening to his heart, and watching his reflexes and apgar scores, she hands him to the paramedics. She then turns her attention to me. She helps me out of the tub, and I squat next to it to birth the placenta. I had to breath and push, and when the placenta came out, WOW! What a great feeling! It was soft, and wet, and warm, and so worthy of my respect. Again the feeling of it going in one direction was sensual. I was starting to feel very dizzy, as I have lost a lot of blood, so I am helped to bed.

Midwife comes over to me, after checking the placenta to make sure it had all detached. I was very eager to find out whether or not the placenta was in tack, for you see, if only some of the placenta had come out, then we would have to go to the hospital to get the rest out, something I did not want to do. She holds up a mirror so I can see my vagina. Wow... it was like meeting a part of myself for the first time. I had to see this thing of beauty. I was so proud of myself, so proud of my vagina, at what it did so well. I thought I had torn maybe a ¼ of an inch, but Midwife said I had not. All those stretching perineum exercises helped! She had told me I would have skid marks, sort of like carpet burns, along the inside of my vagina. She was right. Ouch! She put a powder called Yayapao [?] Which she claims stops the bleeding. She said the Vietnamese used this powder on their wounds during the war, which contributed to their being a formidable force. When they would get wounded, they would put this powder on them, their bleeding would stop, and they would turn around and go right back to fighting. Me, however, would be recuperating in bed.

They brought the baby to me. Ah my little guy! I offered my breast [which became during labor, HUGE!] He opened his mouth really big, but could not seem to latch on. After a few more tries, he got it. He suckled. At first there was not much pain. After a while, my nipples were getting raw, and the pain hit. This was pain, compared to the birth! I was determined to breastfeed. There was no other option. So, I just had to literally grin and bear it. After a week, the pain started to lessen. That was about the time I got mastitis. Now I have never been more miserable, and forlorn with despair. Not knowing when the fever or the pain would end. Mastitis is a blocked milk duct. The breast becomes inflamed, swollen, and sore. On top of this you get a fever, and you have to massage this breast, to get the clog moving along. Just moving hurts, now imagine squeezing it in the shower.

After the birth, Midwife stayed around for a few hours. She helped me to the bathroom to urinate. That was the longest pee of my life. And it felt so good! The first bowel movement after labor is a big deal too. You feel like things are going to fall out if you push too hard.

After a couple of hours the baby went to sleep. Midwife and I were talking about the birth, and I told her the dream/vision I had a few weeks before DJ was born. Basically after I had this vision, I was so moved emotionally by it, that I told my husband. Here goes: In it, I remember going unconscious after labor, but I knew I would come back, so I told my husband to keep calling my name, because I will come back. Lo and behold, it was not I that left, but DJ! This follows my belief that when inutero there is one consciousness. Midwife said, “Why didn’t you tell me earlier? I could have been prepared!” She had everything to handle the situation. How more could she have been prepared? Are the rantings of pregnant women and their premonitions about their labors more true than not?

Going to sleep that night was almost impossible. So many thoughts were going through my head, it was very difficult to get the much needed rest. I kept wondering if there was the possibility of brain damage. The question ‘WHY’ runs through your head constantly. Why? Why did it have to happen? What does it mean? Why me? Why this baby? It took a long time to realize that no one would answer that question, ever. Do I make up a reason that makes me feel good? Then put it behind me? Do I have to believe in randomness? I believed he was fine, and he turned out as such. The next day we took him to a pediatrician to look over his reflexes, and from what he could tell, things were normal. Although he told us sometimes these things are not evident until later. Great…fuel for more anxiety.

Then he gave us the speech about circumcisions and vaccinations. A few days later we took him to a doctor who does cranial therapy. He supposedly did some work with DJ, reliving his birth, and working out that birth trauma. He did some work on my pelvis, and hip. He also gave us his opinion on circumcisions. It came down to being the same as his son. There’s male logic for you. For the record, I was not for it at all. Everything about me was all for living a new conscious decision making paradigm, and I was willing to take a risk with not circumcising DJ because it is a barbaric, unnecessary medical intervention. Most of the world is not, and they get along fine, cleaning their penises. DJ’s dad wanted it because it was important to him that his son’s penis was the same as his. I knew I could fight this one and win, but I did not have the strength, after all, I just had a baby! So regrettably, I gave in. I would be there. I requested painkillers for the baby. Those screams of pain and indignation I will never forget. I sat there, crying. How could his dad knowingly allow this doctor to slice away his little sons foreskin?

Wow! I did it. It all begins now, the motherhood thing. The constant attention for one so little. I am a mommy! I made this! The high is ineffable. For the next few days I was repeating the story of DJ’s birth over and over again. I remember telling my mother, who was there, everything that happened. I was happy, high, and proud. I did it! And I did it well! Here was much to be proud of.