Rewriting History

Giggle-girl visited for a week and it was great in many ways. When she left, I cried a bit at the airport and again on the way home. I didn’t think I would, but I did. What was I crying about?

It is well known that I would have liked to have had a second child, a girl, mainly to ‘parent her right’… to correct the wrongs of my childhood… to give and care where it had been so lacking in my life. To be the mother that I never had and to have what was missing; a close bonded relationship.

How will not having had a girl-child affect me in the future? How about when I am 80?

***

Today I went to the spa and got a massage. I usually do a lot of thinking there, and today was no
exception, as I had my history to re-write. Going over and over it in my head was good and I know that writing it down will be useful as well. So here goes.

My childhood was sad, and lonely. I didn’t get to bond with a ‘mother’ type, kids in school teased me, and my father raised us with violence. This has created a deep-seated desire within myself to have a girl-child… to correct my childhood, to bond with a female. While I have been deeply sad about this in the past, I have to look at the reality of my life so far and think and act more accordingly, instead of from the place of idealized hope.

The reality is that I did correct my childhood by how I raised DJ. He is being raised without violence, with care, love, and attention. While my mother may not be the woman I want her to be, and she wasn’t there for me in my past, she is there for me now and we have the closest relationship we can-for her. I also have a friend who admires me like an older sister, which I love her for. I get to be the ‘older-wiser’ one and it is strangely fulfilling. There are ways in my life that I have and can create the feelings I think I long for, by having a girl-child.

There’s a lot that goes into close friends. Obviously the shared interests, and perhaps shared intellectual and emotional spheres. I think on some level it is chemical. For me, I have to admire them. It also takes time. I don’t want to sound so cynical, but I find most people lacking. And if there aren’t lacking, then it’s a chemical or personality clash. When it clicks, it clicks. Sounds a lot like finding a mate. So my plan is to continue to meet people and also open myself up emotionally to the women I currently know to possibly deepen those fringe friendships. I say that because I know I can be fairly private so it has to be a conscious decision to ‘open up’. This post being an example.

The next time I get down about girl-child wishes, I will remind myself about what I have written as the history I now have. The circumstances of my crappy childhood are just that, nothing more. I need to remember that being a mother has been richly rewarding and fulfilling. Thinking otherwise just because it wasn’t a girl is just cheating myself out of that experience. It is a sick way to keep myself suppressed and I need to recognize it as that. Anytime I have an idealized- perfect- romanticized notion about anything, it is the sick part of myself trying to drag me down and I will not buy into it. That ‘sick’ part of myself is the part that needs managing as part of my depression-management. Idealized, perfect, romanticized notions are not real.

I think part of the reason that I have not realized the obvious about the girl-child issue is that I have not had much practice moving beyond whenever I get an overwhelming feeling. This became real clear when GG was here and she would get upset about something, and shut down. BRKVW called it ‘fainting goat syndrome’ after the fainting goats. [Yes-they are real]

She didn’t resolve anything, so when she ‘got back up’ it was if nothing happened. It could look like she maturely brushed it off, or she is ignoring the deeper issue. Most likely the latter, after all she is 12. I don’t want to be a 12-year-old with lots of pent up- unprocessed emotions. How does one not be a 12-year-old girl? By confronting the emotions, thinking about them and then deciding what to do, how to be. This pattern reminds me of my parents household… whenever there was a problem, angry words were said, emotions and tempers flared, sometimes hands, belts, paddles too, then everyone pretended nothing happened. I was raised by 12 year olds.

***

How will not having had a girl-child affect me in the future? The answer is less and less.

**************************************************************

Below is an interesting response that was posted here, in my live journal account, along with my response as well.

From SmileyCynic:

Very cute entry and pictures :)

The answer won’t be… ‘I did the best I could at that time’ which to me, always seemed like a cop-out. It is often used in therapy to deal with one's past... 'Your parents did the best they could at that time-- blah blah blah' Where's the accountability in that?

I think the reason therapists use that is because some people take their parents' poor parenting too personally. I think its very rare for a parent to do something with the intent of harming their child. Usually harmful things are done out of exasperation, actually believing that it is a good thing, lack of thought about consequences to the child, or self centered motivation.

Hence, while I agree that "the best they could" is poor phrasing: "who has the oversight to make that sort of judgement?!" I think the point that they're trying to get accross is a valid one: the parents were working with limited time, insight, and other resources, and most people do try to make a good life for their children and themselves in the ways they think are correct.

While its worth talking to parents to correct their poor behavior if it is still effecting others, generally by the time one is old enough to be seeing shrinks of their own accord the subject is pretty moot.

It certainly still could be worth talking to them about it and trying to help them change, but in general, I think trying to hold them accountable is pretty useless in that you are powerless to do anything to change the past. Its worth recognizing what they've done and what you approve/disapprove of, but beyond that, you choose your level of interaction with them or lack there-of, and in either case, trying to hold them accountable is likely to have more negative impact on you than them, since it is really only they who can change their behavior and holding a grudge tends to make one unhappy.

At least that is my interpretation of a book I've been reading lately, "Forgive for Good," and I am obviously in agreement ;)

I doubt he'd use that line about you, but I bet that he'll know that you tried really hard to give him a good life and treat him well, and appreciate that regardless of whether or not he agrees with all of your choices.

My Response:

Thank you! That book sounds interesting. 'Forgive for Good' is a good concept.

I think most parents don't answer this question honestly or in it's entirety. It's easier to say 'I did the best I could', when in fact, they did not do their best. It has been used so often, it is almost cliché. When mouthed directly from parents, to me, it is a victim’s cry for no accountability.

I think its very rare for a parent to do something with the intent of harming their child.
Yes, but what about harm through lack or effort, or obvious intention? Did their actions showed they cared? When they saw something wrong, did they try to correct/help it? Did they make the effort? No effort is just as harmful. And I think recognizing that for what it is, is important, instead of putting it under the panacea of ‘they did the best they could’. And it is in this panacea way that therapist use ‘they did the best they could’ that I am opposed to. If a parent truly did the BEST they could, then it fits. I have rarely come across that. It is more like ‘they just didn’t think’. If I took my parents parenting 'too personally' and I know no other way to take it, I would rather be honest about their parenting than sweeping it under the rug of 'they did the best they could'. That would be an insult to me.

Accountability is not about assigning blame but about accepting responsibility. If DJ comes to me with a question of how he was raised or some emotional issue, and I give him a full answer, and he responds with how he interpreted the issue at that time and how it has affected his life for the worse, aren’t I accountable, then and now? Isn’t he telling me that what I did, didn’t work for him? Am I suppose to say, well, you just interpreted the data incorrectly, it’s your fault?

If, as an adult, DJ has emotional and/or psychological issues/damage/trauma/pain, my hope is that he talks to me about it, so that together, plus or minus a therapist, we get to the goal… healthy individual. Healthy being a many faceted goal encompassing ‘happiness’, understanding, satisfaction, purpose, responsibility, compassion.

It certainly still could be worth talking to them [parents] about it and trying to help them change, but in general, I think trying to hold them accountable is pretty useless in that you are powerless to do anything to change the past.
I don’t think adult children should talk to their parents with the intention of changing them.
I do think holding them accountable now, for the past, is a powerful place to be. It doesn’t mean that you punish them or don’t forgive them, or that you hold a grudge, simply that they are responsible for their actions. It may mean holding them to a higher standard. All of this is whether or not you interact with them. Forgiving is about the individual doing the forgiving, as opposed to the one being forgiven. You can forgive someone and still hold him or her accountable for their actions.

This may come down to a difference in J and P...:)


April 15, 2005	Rewriting History Giggle-girl visited for a week and it was great in many ways. When she left, I cried a bit at the airport and again on the way home. I didn’t think I would, but I did. What was I crying about? <Insert deep pain> It is well known that I would have liked to have had a second child, a girl, mainly to ‘parent her right’… to correct the wrongs of my childhood… to give and care where it had been so lacking in my life. To be the mother that I never had and to have what was missing; a close bonded relationship. How will not having had a girl-child affect me in the future? How about when I am 80? *** Today I went to the spa and got a massage. I usually do a lot of thinking there, and today was no exception, as I had my history to re-write. Going over and over it in my head was good and I know that writing it down will be useful as well. So here goes. My childhood was sad, and lonely. I didn’t get to bond with a ‘mother’ type, kids in school teased me, and my father raised us with violence. This has created a deep-seated desire within myself to have a girl-child… to correct my childhood, to bond with a female. While I have been deeply sad about this in the past, I have to look at the reality of my life so far and think and act more accordingly, instead of from the place of idealized hope. The reality is that I did correct my childhood by how I raised DJ. He is being raised without violence, with care, love, and attention. While my mother may not be the woman I want her to be, and she wasn’t there for me in my past, she is there for me now and we have the closest relationship we can-for her. I also have a friend who admires me like an older sister, which I love her for. I get to be the ‘older-wiser’ one and it is strangely fulfilling. There are ways in my life that I have and can create the feelings I think I long for, by having a girl-child. There’s a lot that goes into close friends. Obviously the shared interests, and perhaps shared intellectual and emotional spheres. I think on some level it is chemical. For me, I have to admire them. It also takes time. I don’t want to sound so cynical, but I find most people lacking. And if there aren’t lacking, then it’s a chemical or personality clash. When it clicks, it clicks. Sounds a lot like finding a mate. So my plan is to continue to meet people and also open myself up emotionally to the women I currently know to possibly deepen those fringe friendships. I say that because I know I can be fairly private so it has to be a conscious decision to ‘open up’. This post being an example. The next time I get down about girl-child wishes, I will remind myself about what I have written as the history I now have. The circumstances of my crappy childhood are just that, nothing more. I need to remember that being a mother has been richly rewarding and fulfilling. Thinking otherwise just because it wasn’t a girl is just cheating myself out of that experience. It is a sick way to keep myself suppressed and I need to recognize it as that. Anytime I have an idealized- perfect- romanticized notion about anything, it is the sick part of myself trying to drag me down and I will not buy into it. That ‘sick’ part of myself is the part that needs managing as part of my depression-management. Idealized, perfect, romanticized notions are not real. I think part of the reason that I have not realized the obvious about the girl-child issue is that I have not had much practice moving beyond whenever I get an overwhelming feeling. This became real clear when GG was here and she would get upset about something, and shut down. BRKVW called it ‘fainting goat syndrome’ after the fainting goats. [Yes-they are real] She didn’t resolve anything, so when she ‘got back up’ it was if nothing happened. It could look like she maturely brushed it off, or she is ignoring the deeper issue. Most likely the latter, after all she is 12. I don’t want to be a 12-year-old with lots of pent up- unprocessed emotions. How does one not be a 12-year-old girl? By confronting the emotions, thinking about them and then deciding what to do, how to be. This pattern reminds me of my parents household… whenever there was a problem, angry words were said, emotions and tempers flared, sometimes hands, belts, paddles too, then everyone pretended nothing happened. I was raised by 12 year olds. * How will not having had a girl-child affect me in the future? The answer is less and less. ********************************************************** Below is an interesting response that was posted here, in my live journal account, along with my response as well. From SmileyCynic: Very cute entry and pictures :) The answer won’t be… ‘I did the best I could at that time’ which to me, always seemed like a cop-out. It is often used in therapy to deal with one's past... 'Your parents did the best they could at that time-- blah blah blah' Where's the accountability in that? I think the reason therapists use that is because some people take their parents' poor parenting too personally. I think its very rare for a parent to do something with the intent of harming their child. Usually harmful things are done out of exasperation, actually believing that it is a good thing, lack of thought about consequences to the child, or self centered motivation. Hence, while I agree that "the best they could" is poor phrasing: "who has the oversight to make that sort of judgement?!" I think the point that they're trying to get accross is a valid one: the parents were working with limited time, insight, and other resources, and most people do try to make a good life for their children and themselves in the ways they think are correct. While its worth talking to parents to correct their poor behavior if it is still effecting others, generally by the time one is old enough to be seeing shrinks of their own accord the subject is pretty moot. It certainly still could be worth talking to them about it and trying to help them change, but in general, I think trying to hold them accountable is pretty useless in that you are powerless to do anything to change the past. Its worth recognizing what they've done and what you approve/disapprove of, but beyond that, you choose your level of interaction with them or lack there-of, and in either case, trying to hold them accountable is likely to have more negative impact on you than them, since it is really only they who can change their behavior and holding a grudge tends to make one unhappy. At least that is my interpretation of a book I've been reading lately, "Forgive for Good," and I am obviously in agreement ;) I doubt he'd use that line about you, but I bet that he'll know that you tried really hard to give him a good life and treat him well, and appreciate that regardless of whether or not he agrees with all of your choices. My Response:** Thank you! That book sounds interesting. 'Forgive for Good' is a good concept. I think most parents don't answer this question honestly or in it's entirety. It's easier to say 'I did the best I could', when in fact, they did not do their best. It has been used so often, it is almost cliché. When mouthed directly from parents, to me, it is a victim’s cry for no accountability. I think its very rare for a parent to do something with the intent of harming their child. Yes, but what about harm through lack or effort, or obvious intention? Did their actions showed they cared? When they saw something wrong, did they try to correct/help it? Did they make the effort? No effort is just as harmful. And I think recognizing that for what it is, is important, instead of putting it under the panacea of ‘they did the best they could’. And it is in this panacea way that therapist use ‘they did the best they could’ that I am opposed to. If a parent truly did the BEST they could, then it fits. I have rarely come across that. It is more like ‘they just didn’t think’. If I took my parents parenting 'too personally' and I know no other way to take it, I would rather be honest about their parenting than sweeping it under the rug of 'they did the best they could'. That would be an insult to me. Accountability is not about assigning blame but about accepting responsibility. If DJ comes to me with a question of how he was raised or some emotional issue, and I give him a full answer, and he responds with how he interpreted the issue at that time and how it has affected his life for the worse, aren’t I accountable, then and now? Isn’t he telling me that what I did, didn’t work for him? Am I suppose to say, well, you just interpreted the data incorrectly, it’s your fault? If, as an adult, DJ has emotional and/or psychological issues/damage/trauma/pain, my hope is that he talks to me about it, so that together, plus or minus a therapist, we get to the goal… healthy individual. Healthy being a many faceted goal encompassing ‘happiness’, understanding, satisfaction, purpose, responsibility, compassion. It certainly still could be worth talking to them [parents] about it and trying to help them change, but in general, I think trying to hold them accountable is pretty useless in that you are powerless to do anything to change the past. I don’t think adult children should talk to their parents with the intention of changing them. I do think holding them accountable now, for the past, is a powerful place to be. It doesn’t mean that you punish them or don’t forgive them, or that you hold a grudge, simply that they are responsible for their actions. It may mean holding them to a higher standard. All of this is whether or not you interact with them. Forgiving is about the individual doing the forgiving, as opposed to the one being forgiven. You can forgive someone and still hold him or her accountable for their actions. This may come down to a difference in J and P...:)
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