The Rest of the Story...

It was a beautiful day. I chose the Hollywood Hills hike since we had out of town guests; I thought it would be fun to hike close to the infamous HOLLYWOOD sign. Even though I remember this hike as having lots of ‘horse piles’ to walk around. It can get annoying after a while. I’ll remember this trail differently from now on.

A horse ran into my husband. It sounds like the beginning or ending of a joke. But it’s not. It’s just the short version of what happened.

As we were a big group, [almost 20] with small children as well, the group split up naturally. Eager hikers ahead, kids and walkers behind. Every once in a while, I would stop to allow the whole group to come together and get reacquainted. It was after one such communing, that BRKVW and I walked on together, holding hands. I was operating on about 4 hours sleep and not sure that I would make the whole hike. I kind of wanted to turn around, head home and go swimming. We had decided to suggest that the next time we regrouped.

We were walking with QB and BR when we had come around a bend and could see a long portion of the hike in front of us.

I had walked on ahead, BRKVW slowed. I could see horses in the distance. Then I saw them running, galloping. As they came closer, my recently-learned-hikers-instinct to shout ‘BIKE’ to hikers behind me, came to mind. I also wanted to move to the right, [hikers habit] as we were on the far left edge.

That’s when I realized that the horses were much faster than I anticipated and decided not to cross… too dangerous. I was already on the very edge of a very wide fire road when the first two horses ran by. I turned to follow watching them, and when I turned back to the front, the 3rd horse whizzed by, very close. Perhaps less than a foot away from me. My thought was Damm! That was close! Must remember that horses are different from bikers.

From the moment the horses and riders were within earshot, there was a lot of shouting. As the 3rd horse passed by, I could hear the rider shout, “Get out of the way”. I turned back to see the horse run right into someone. That someone then was spinning and falling to the ground. At this point it was not clear to me that this was my beloved. I thought this person was under a trampling horse. And then this person slid down the ravine, about 10 feet.

I saw QB and BR scramble down the hill and that is when I realized who had been hit. I started down the hill, immediately thinking CELL PHONE, where is it… must call 911. BRKVW was face down and raised himself on his elbows and then motioned with his two fingers to his mouth. I knew that meant he needed air, that he couldn’t breath. A quick thought… it could get real bad, real fast. QB, quick thinking, gave him mouth to mouth. That was exactly what he needed to be able to breathe on his own.

BRKVW then assessed himself. Took a few moments, then climbed up the hill with assistance from QB and BR. He had to sit back down. We poured water on his mangled left palm. He said he would be okay, just needed to rest. That didn’t sound right. On one hand, I know he is incredibly self observant, so when he says he is okay… he is. But this was different.

Then he had to lie down. I was holding his good hand and looking into his eyes. His lips had gone white, his eyes paled and his eyes started to roll into the back of his head. And I thought…Is this it? Is this the moment where I look into my loves eyes as he fades away? Is this how he dies? He opened his eyes and looked at me and I knew the answer to be no. That’s when his sense of hearing and smell came back and he asked for the horses to be moved away.

The rider had already called someone to get the paramedics, so I gathered the cell phone, broken camera, glasses and hat. Realizing that today’s hike was over, I turned to QB and BR and asked them to go get our group that had gone on ahead, tell them what happened and bring them back. At this point I wasn’t sure whether or not we would go to the hospital. I was arranging in my head who would drive which vehicle as we brought both our cars. I was still nervous about any unbeknownst-to BRKVW internal injuries. He would stand for a bit, then realize that he needed to sit. At some point it was clear to me that we would be going to the hospital.

We crossed over the trail to a more grassy area. SmileyCynic and Patrissimo had run back. SmileyCynic asked to check his spine. She did. Patrissimo also checked his torso and eyes. Pixels_of_Light was there with her first aid kid, band aids, wipes to clean palm some more, and wipe the dirt covering a bruise by his eye. By now there were at least 2 helicopters in the air. What is taking them so long? Finally they dropped a guy who came up, just as the park rangers had driven up with the paramedics. Here we go… lots of well meaning pricks who would do the thing that would make BRKVW go into shock. Even though he was speaking up for himself, asking them to go slow, these guys go into automatic so I had to stay sharp. One guy checking his head, another his hand, another ready to take his blood pressure… Hey you! Stop and wait till he is ready. He may not be able to have his blood pressure taken. The guy listened and waited for BRKVW. The guy who jumped out of the helicopter felt that his injuries did not need the immediacy of a helicopter ride to a hospital, so he left. Now just two attending to BRKVW. Yes, we are definitely going to the hospital. I start to gather cell phone, water bottle, and glasses. Now to delegate keys, deal with logistics. Sunshine__Girl had already said she would drive my car and I was wondering who I could get/trust to drive BRKVW’s behemoth truck when RadiantSun said, without hesitation and with confidence, she had a class B license from driving kids around in camp. Excellent. Get to the cars. Turn on my cell phone. Drive everyone back to my house. Get BRKVW's wallet, and jacket, my wallet, and I will call from the hospital to tell you which one to meet us at.

The park rangers drove up to where the ambulance was waiting and in we went. At the hospital they took BRKVW in, but I was not allowed to go in. Since he was alert, I acquiesced. I signed him in and waited. And cried. And waited. Finally RadiantSun arrived and I know I was babbling to her. Telling her about how this waiting room sucked as it had no magazines! Magazines! I flashed back to the character played by Mary Tyler Moore in Ordinary People…She complains about the shoes that her son wore to the funeral and how that one statement really summed up her petty personality. I thought I must sound just like her, complaining that there are no magazines! I talked to talk, to fill the air.

Finally BRKVW walks through. We get out of there, go home. On the way home, we talk about what happened. I had to give a rendition of what happened to the park ranger and I had completely forgotten about BRKVW motioning for air and QB giving it to him. New set of tears. When we arrived home, I did not expect anyone to be there, as it was Sunday evening and I expected our out of town guests to head home. Thus I was surprised to see Sunshine__Girl and NeuroGirl. Even more surprised to see they had cleaned up. Washed all the dishes and put food away. Wow.

It is around 6pm and I leave to get BRKVW’s prescription filled. I had to go to 4 different places before I found a 24 hour pharmacy. Arghhh…. All this time…holding it together. I finally get home. Sunshine__Girl, NeuroGirl and RadiantSun were still there, making sure BRKVW did not conk out. They leave, we go into the hot tub. As we would a number of times in the days to come. Water can be so healing.

Every now and then, through out that day, I would check in with myself, to see if I was ok… that I wasn’t freaking out, also to gauge if I needed anything. It is kind of weird to be that self-observant in this type of situation. I noticed that I was holding onto a lot of emotions… holding it in, holding it all together. I feel like I have an insight into what that really means. I also felt like I could hold onto or deal with a WHOLE lot more. It also felt like if I did not deal with my emotions about this, I would assimilate these un-dealt with emotions and they would become part of my baggage! HA

It is 6 days later and I am still dealing with these emotions. I want to answer the question ‘why?’. But there are no answers, it was a horse. Through being there for BRKVW and doing things for him, going to work, dealing with DJ, dinner, breakfast, making lunches, emails, phone calls, etc, I knew I had to make some time for myself to process it all. Just when I think I am done crying… I cry some more. Writing this helps. BRKVW and I talk about it everyday. That helps. While this may read like a play-by-play… it is nowhere near a complete rendition of what happened.

In one sense, I feel that I shouldn’t have these extreme emotions…everything turned out fine… it didn’t happen to me. But it did happen to me. This thing happened to my other half, the one I have chosen to walk side by side through life with. While I may not be healing from obvious physical injuries, as BRKVW is, I am healing from the less obvious emotional pain of his pain, and of the fear of almost losing him.

On the hillside, there were many open arms. I welcomed them all, knowing that I needed them. I needed to feel my friends’ arms around me, their concern, their willingness to assist, ease, console, empathize. I wanted to give in to the arms, and cry, to let all my fear out. But it wasn’t the time. Those hugs gave me courage to be as present as possible for BRKVW. Thank you.

Thank you ALL for everything you did, from giving BRKVW the breath of life, checking his body, providing wipes and water, writing down the other parties information, to taking pictures of the area, to cleaning my kitchen, to driving my cars, picking us up from the hospital, to bringing my family dinner. Thank you all for caring. I was overcome with gratitude thinking about this, later that night. Wondering how do you repay someone for this? How do you express gratitude for something like this? The words ‘thank you’ seem so small and inadequate to express deep felt reverence.

May I one day show up for you and yours as well as you have for me and mine.