Speak Up

I was speaking with RadiantSun the other day and she was telling me about an incident in which a man started chatting her up and eventually asked for a date. He even, cleverly, had some copies of essays on love that he thought she might be interested in reading. Of course, they could talk about this later, on their 'date'. Of course, he has learned that this m.o. hooks chicks.

Regardless that he was eighty-six years old, and not her type, she still found it hard to just say 'No thank you'. So I suggested that this would be an opportunity for her to practice saying 'No'. She was honest enough to realize that for herself, saying 'no', especially to a man, was not so easy.

I mentioned this same conversation to my assistant today, who is also coincidentally the same age as RadiantSun, 26. My assistant also said that she had a hard time saying 'no' to men. Two, in a 24-hour period. I was a bit surprised. While I would have expected this from women who were my contemporaries in age, coming from the same social climate, I did not expect this from women 11 years my senior. They have had 11 more years of 'Girl Power' emphasis in the school systems and a culture that supports speaking your mind more so than when I was growing up. They grew up with "NO means NO" drilled into them. I am sure if it came to some obvious crossing of the line, self-preservation would kick in and they would scream NO. It is the not-so-obvious crossing of boundaries that were not clearly defined in the first place that could be the problem. After all, it is just conversation isn't it?
So how does one define boundaries for themselves? Tune in next week for the answer.

So this is more or less what I told them both:

Some people are very good at manipulating people to get what they want. While that is admirable, one needs to recognize when that is happening, so as to not be the victim in any situation they do not want to be.

Basically these people usually have had much experience in 'reading' people and their emotional responses. These people look for visual, and auditory clues that the person they are speaking to is weak enough to manipulate. So, do not present yourself as weak.

Look people in the eye when speaking to them.
Do not fidget.
Stand straight.
Say something to the effect:
Thank you for that offer, however I am going to pass.
I appreciate you thinking of me, however, I am going to turn you down.
Wow, that was unexpected! Thank you but no thank you.
Do not give a virtual stranger excuses! This is more important than you may realize as it can be interpreted as a sign of weakness, which is the exact thing these manipulative people are looking for. Remember, you do not owe anyone any information about your personal life. Your statements should stand on their own, without excuses.
When asked why you are declining, say something to the effect:
It is not how I choose to spend my time.
There is just not enough time in my day. [To do the things I don't want to do]
Wow! There are just too many reasons to get into.
And if the conversation gets weird or you feel verbally assaulted, end it. Say:
This conversation just came to an end. Good-bye.
I am ending this conversation now. Good-bye.
Wow! I'm done. See ya.
Do not say sorry. If you have a habit of saying sorry all the time, Stop It.
If you feel compelled to be thought of as nice, you probably think that giving excuses is a nice way to let people down. Stop it. And I challenge you to eliminate the word nice from your lexicon.
Beware: Sometimes hooks come in the form of debates/arguments.

Practice saying these statements out loud. That way, they will roll off your tongue when you need them. The more you say them, even to the mirror, the more comfortable you will be and you'll remember them.

These opinions brought to you by me, because a long time ago, I wanted a graceful way to say no, without seeming weak, mean, or angry.


November 21, 2003	Speak Up I was speaking with RadiantSun the other day and she was telling me about an incident in which a man started chatting her up and eventually asked for a date. He even, cleverly, had some copies of essays on love that he thought she might be interested in reading. Of course, they could talk about this later, on their 'date'. Of course, he has learned that this m.o. hooks chicks. Regardless that he was eighty-six years old, and not her type, she still found it hard to just say 'No thank you'. So I suggested that this would be an opportunity for her to practice saying 'No'. She was honest enough to realize that for herself, saying 'no', especially to a man, was not so easy. I mentioned this same conversation to my assistant today, who is also coincidentally the same age as RadiantSun, 26. My assistant also said that she had a hard time saying 'no' to men. Two, in a 24-hour period. I was a bit surprised. While I would have expected this from women who were my contemporaries in age, coming from the same social climate, I did not expect this from women 11 years my senior. They have had 11 more years of 'Girl Power' emphasis in the school systems and a culture that supports speaking your mind more so than when I was growing up. They grew up with "NO means NO" drilled into them. I am sure if it came to some obvious crossing of the line, self-preservation would kick in and they would scream NO. It is the not-so-obvious crossing of boundaries that were not clearly defined in the first place that could be the problem. After all, it is just conversation isn't it? So how does one define boundaries for themselves? Tune in next week for the answer. So this is more or less what I told them both: Some people are very good at manipulating people to get what they want. While that is admirable, one needs to recognize when that is happening, so as to not be the victim in any situation they do not want to be. Basically these people usually have had much experience in 'reading' people and their emotional responses. These people look for visual, and auditory clues that the person they are speaking to is weak enough to manipulate. So, do not present yourself as weak. Look people in the eye when speaking to them. Do not fidget. Stand straight. Say something to the effect: Thank you for that offer, however I am going to pass. I appreciate you thinking of me, however, I am going to turn you down. Wow, that was unexpected! Thank you but no thank you. Do not give a virtual stranger excuses! This is more important than you may realize as it can be interpreted as a sign of weakness, which is the exact thing these manipulative people are looking for. Remember, you do not owe anyone any information about your personal life. Your statements should stand on their own, without excuses. When asked why you are declining, say something to the effect: It is not how I choose to spend my time. There is just not enough time in my day. [To do the things I don't want to do] Wow! There are just too many reasons to get into. And if the conversation gets weird or you feel verbally assaulted, end it. Say: This conversation just came to an end. Good-bye. I am ending this conversation now. Good-bye. Wow! I'm done. See ya. Do not say sorry. If you have a habit of saying sorry all the time, Stop It. If you feel compelled to be thought of as nice, you probably think that giving excuses is a nice way to let people down. Stop it. And I challenge you to eliminate the word nice from your lexicon. Beware: Sometimes hooks come in the form of debates/arguments. Practice saying these statements out loud. That way, they will roll off your tongue when you need them. The more you say them, even to the mirror, the more comfortable you will be and you'll remember them. These opinions brought to you by me, because a long time ago, I wanted a graceful way to say no, without seeming weak, mean, or angry.
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